27 June 2011

Fear in the driver's seat...

Every once in a while I allow fear to drive my decisions. Okay, more than every once in a while.

Yesterday, I had a little meltdown and spent an hour in tears talking to my son Jordan, who was kind enough to listen and respond with appropriately sympathetic sounds. I had decided that I was finished with college. Didn't really want to be a nurse and didn't see how I could survive the fall semester with more credits than I had ever taken before. I didn't want to spend 8 hours a day hidden away studying when my new granddaughter will arrive right before school starts. I also didn't want to keep wracking up debt if I might find out I don't even LIKE nursing when I'm finished. I was a wreck!

The Lord finally got a word in edgewise as I lay in bed trying to sleep. I realized that Satan was doing a number on me! FEAR. That was the basis of all of this! Fear of the unknown; fear that God can't provide; a shapeless, nameless fear of stepping outside of the box of everyday life.

Anyway, I'm glad I didn't shoot my mouth off to anybody about the way I felt (except my son, who will keep my secret) because today is a whole new ball game. I CAN survive fall semester. I may have to allow myself to get something less than A's, but I can do a decent job in school. I can also make time to spend with my daughter and granddaughter, and school will not last forever. Satan has worked so hard to discourage me in this journey, I'm getting suspicious. Maybe he's afraid God will be able to use me more as a nurse and he's trying to derail me before I can even get started. With the Lord's help I can do anything, and I'm going to try to remember that!

1 comment:

  1. I remember this same grip of fear when I was going to school as an old grown up. Sometimes my doubts about it scared me something fierce. Even now, I look back and think, "How did I do it?" The Lord's grace, that's how. You'll do it and you WILL be the best nurse!